“American Housewife” is a show about a family (The Ottos) who moved to Westport, in which the mom (Katie) doesn’t fit in with the FitBit wearing, green-stuff drinking house-moms.

This satire is a disappointment to Westport, to the stereotypical family, and of course, to comedy. Maybe it’s just that my comedy hasn’t matured yet, but I don’t think six-year-olds doing the lawnmower, which is featured in the show’s advertisements, is “funny.”

Also, the question still remains: Why Westport? Why, out of every town in America, did the creators of the show pick Westport? I researched why they set the show in Westport, and the reason is that the creator of the show went to Staples. I wish she had went to another school.

And now, I will go over the debut. Yes, that means I had to watch 22 minutes of cliche. When it starts, rather than with something funny, we are introduced to basically all of our characters: Katie, the “relatable” mom (She tries but fails); Anna-Kat, the oddball daughter; Oliver, the middle child with a Mr. Krabs-like admiration of money; Greg, the bland father; and Taylor, the “cool” teen.

Yes, this show rips off Malcolm in the Middle a lot – essentially a bootleg copy set in Westport.

Then we are introduced to our setting, which is, of course Westport.

Katie Otto makes more “jokes” that are supposed to be funny. We then get introduced to the ultra-weird neighbor Norman (Known as “Nude Norman” but never explained) and the Westport stereotype known as Viv, but only called Two-FitBits in the first episode.

When we get into the plot (finally), Katie’s neighbor, Fat Pam, is moving, thereby making Katie the second fattest housewife in Westport. Not the greatest plot, but it’s the best part of the show. About three unfunny jokes (“Hey Anna-Kat don’t pee in the yard!” counted as one of them) and one piece of an awful soundtrack (Songs like Hot ‘N’ Cold and Raise Your Glass) later, the cold open is over.

After dropping Anna-Kat off at a some school, Katie starts complaining (once more) about the people of Westport, and becomes overly concerned that her eldest daughter is “turning into one of them.” One second, as a Westport resident, I have been insulted.

She announces that she’s going to be the second fattest housewife in Westport to her friends, and the producers drag out the scene for as long as humanly possible. After that, we get to realize how horrible the kid who plays Oliver’s acting is. When his piggy-bank was literally taken away, he just flatly said, “Oh no, please give it back.”

So then rip-off Lois, rip-off Hal, and rip-off Dewey try to find somebody large to buy Fat Pam’s house so she would stay the third fattest housewife in Westport. And then the frenzy of horrible jokes continues. In order to prevent skinny people from buying the house, the Ottos come up with stories that are so stupid they’re sad. “The previous owner of this house had cancer…” “I come to this house to see my dead friends…” and “Why would an arsonist love our neighborhood?” This is not funny.

But just when Katie was giving up and letting the house be sold to a skinny person, what a coincidence, a fat person shows up. And then, out of nowhere, we’re back at the house where the writers try to squish in as many family mayhem “jokes” as possible.

So, fat lady turns out to be nice but then she randomly blurted racist and homophobic beliefs. Looks like we got an antagonist on this show. Look out folks. But it turns out that Katie doesn’t care about her beliefs, because she is no longer the second fattest housewife in Westport. So maybe Katie is the antagonist…

Nahh, she’s too real.

It’s the first episode and every character has been already Flanderized. If you don’t know what it means, it means that a character has been centered on one traits, taking up the entire character.

Katie Otto then makes out with her friend. Yes, you heard that right. To drive out her racist neighbor, she makes out with her African-American friend to the tune of “Hot and Cold” by Katy Perry.

Then, to move the plot forward, suddenly Viv shows up at the house. How she knows their address, is never explained. The racist homophobe turns out not to buy the house because of the kiss. Instead, Viv buys the house. Yay…?

It turns out that Viv wants to suddenly be best friends with Katie and make her skinny. We all can predict what happens next. Katie says, in a defiant tone, “Yeah none of that is gonna happen.” Nailed it. But Viv replies with “I love you. You’re so real.” But the tone. Viv, is actually a worse actor than Oliver.

Then, she leaves. And after the worst dance moves that I have ever seen done by Katie and the super-duper weird Anna-Kat, the show’s over.

So yeah. “American Housewife” is bad. I could spend a whole newspaper just ranting it, but this’ll do for now.